My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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