he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
