Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
