1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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