omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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