At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
