Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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