I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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