I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
