those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
