Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
