just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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