The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
