There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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