i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
