My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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