What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
