It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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