I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
