I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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