I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
