Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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