I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
