i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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