did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
