I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
