Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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