so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
