i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
