Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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