I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
