every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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