is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I have fence marks all over my body
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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