woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
