I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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