nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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