you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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