Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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