He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
