I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
