apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
