Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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