I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize