SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
