I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
