I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize