My underwear smells like fireworks.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
