My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize