I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
