M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
