I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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