You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
