If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
