WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
