the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
