I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
