4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i think i have two assholes
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
