That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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