Non-Jews are for practice
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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