The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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