Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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