Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
